We are not just Addicts, we are people and everyone has a story.....
Addiction doesn't discriminate. Whether your rich, poor, successful. homeless, a mum of 3 with a loving husband or a Dad who goes to church and is a pillar in the community, for whatever reason, you have allowed Heroin into your life and it has taken over everything. There's no room in your mind for anything else, your children are in a school play and want you there, you feel terrible to admit you don't want to go and watch them, you want to feel that feeling that heroin gives you. You don't recognise yourself, you were always someone who could be relied on, now you wish you could be honest with everyone and say what's on your mind. I don't care about mowing the fucking lawn, I don't want to go to parents evening, the kids are attending school every day so what's to discuss? I don't want to have a diner party, I don't want to see anybody, honestly, I want everyone to fuck off and leave me and my drugs alone.
Below are the stories from people I have connected with due to addiction. Addicts gravitate towards each other and two addicts in a room make's a meeting, if recovery has been chosen there is only one thing in the addict's life that needs to change. And that one thing is EVERYTHING.
My Story by Juli Brandt
It all started at the end of 2006 or the beginning of 2007. As background, I was aware of my ex-husband’s love of gambling before we were married. There was one definite red flag looking back but I was working 12-16 hour days and weekends as a real estate paralegal during the mortgage madness from 98-05 and was trying to plan a wedding so my brain was overloaded and I didn’t see the red flag at the time. Anyways, I had been prescribed Vicodin as needed for a serious back injury and had never abused it for several years. Leaving work one night I had taken one before physical therapy. On my way to physical therapy I called to check or bank account balance. I don’t remember why. Well, it was almost zero with checks still outstanding. He had cleaned out the account again at the casino. He always thought when he checked the balance at the atm that it meant that was what was really Available even though I repeatedly told him no he had to look in the chequebook. Then he’d say well we both get paid this week what’s the problem. He was raised living paycheck to paycheck and just didn’t understand a budget. I got home after therapy and was in a lot of pain from the stretches I did so I took another Vicodin. No big deal. I had done this in the past. Well this time when the second one kicked in, the pain went away and so did being pissed about the bank account and the stress of now being way off-budget. I noticed how relaxed I felt. That began my addiction to pills. I was a country bumpkin. The worst thing I had ever done was get busted by my high school principal for smoking. Juli was a good girl. I knew nothing about buying drugs. I never even thought about getting them that way. Instead, I doctor shopped. I probably went to every ER in the state of Connecticut. Saw every doctor I could get pain pills from. Got clean cold turkey I think May of 07 or 08. It didn’t last long and I was back at it. Eventually the end of 08 and the beginnings of 09 I did a Google search for “alternative to Methadone” and learned about Suboxone. Everything was great until the last cruise we took March 09. I had two prepared credit cards each with $5,000 available. I used one to secure our onboard account and the other was for emergencies. I also had $1,000 in the safe in the room for buying things on the islands. On the 3rd night of our 10 day cruise I received a call from the purser's desk that my credit card was no longer working. I was like that’s impossible. There is $5,000 available. Long story short he had been charging money in the casino to the onboard account without tellingly me. I was livid. Anyways that night I swapped my addiction to pills for alcohol. I don’t remember very much of the rest of the cruise. I brought liquor home from the islands which I had never done before. I only brought back cigarettes on the previous cruises. When we got home I just kept drinking. Instead of getting me help my ex had me arrested for throwing a remote at him. If I did some it was always the police he’d call.
Two months later I received my first DUI. I kept drinking and having court issues until September 2010 when I was hospitalized with liver failure, kidney failure and pulmonary oedema. They also drained 2 litres of fluid off of my abdomen. I was told I had end stage liver disease and even one drink would kill me. I stayed sober for 6 months when I received the foreclosure judgment from the court. My elderly mom and I would have one year to pack the entire house and move. Well, I was drinking 24/7. I don’t think there was even one moment I was sober from March, 2011 to September 18, 2012. In the end, my ex took my mom and me for almost $200,000 with his gambling and spending habits. We lost our home in CT because he never paid the mortgage that we were sending him money to pay. For 9 months we were in Massachusetts where we were supposed to be cleaning out my mom family home because we lost that house as well because my great aunt did a reverse mortgage to help me financially having no idea our financial problems were due to my ex-husbands gambling. I always made up excuses looking back I don’t know why I did half of what I did. I should’ve thrown my ex under the bus so many times. But I honestly just wasn’t thinking I was reacting without thinking first. Anyways, I wasn’t doing any cleaning at my moms family home. I was just drinking 24/7 and in the end, we lost everything important from this house as well (that’s another story).
So fast forward to September 17th. I was out on a Promise to Appear for my second DUI that I got the day before. While I was getting my 2nd DUI, my mom fell at the house. Unknown to me at the time, my ex told the paramedics and the ER staff, that he was also good friends with, that I had pushed my mom down the stairs. I kept calling the hospital, even trying to disguise my voice, try to talk to my mom and being told she never wanted to speak to me again which I knew for a fact my mom would NEVER say that under any circumstances. Well, they called the police who came to my house. They arrested me for harassment and other charges that were later dropped. That was the day I had my last drink. I would never get out of jail that night. The next day the prosecutor hit me with a $30,000 all cash bond for my 2nd DUI, violating my probation because I had consumed alcohol as well as the other charges. Eventually while in prison I was finally charged with Intentional Cruelty to a Person because of the condition my home was in when they found my mom. I fully admit my home was uninhabitable it was so bad. I had just spent 3 years doing nothing but drinking 24/7. In the end, I was drinking almost a gallon of vodka a day. They couldn’t prove Elder Abuse so this is what I was hit with instead on a Monday after new year’s weekend. A reporter happened to be there doing an article on the crimes over the holiday weekend and instead hit the jackpot with my case and would go on to write two articles that made me into a complete monster. Unfortunately, my ex made numerous false accusations against me and I later found out he had fabricated evidence. The prosecutor wanted me in jail for 5 years and 120 days. The 120 days are mandatory time for a second DUI and you have to serve every single day. There is no time off for good behaviour or anything. You are not released until day 121. The judge disagreed with the 5 years and made me an offer of 6 months in jail (only partially sentenced on the 2nd DUI the other charges I remained un-sentenced for another year) and a 6 month program. I had already been in prison for two months begging my mom's friend to use his house as collateral to get me out. I accepted the judges offer about a month later I finally accepted I was in prison through all the holidays until March 2013. My only contact with my mom was writing to her every day. March finally arrived and my 6 months in prison were completed. The first 3 months all I thought about was getting out, having a drink, and trying to save as much of our belongings as I could but that never happened. For the next 3 months, my brain stopped wanting a drink and instead wanted my life back. I will never live the lifestyles I was raised in but I am alive and have built a new life for myself.
My 6 months in rehab flew by. By the time I arrived there, my brain was open to hearing and learning all different types of coping skills to use instead of drinking or getting high. I’ve since realized how long it takes for our brains to change. First, we have to get to the point that using and drink isn’t our first thought. Then we need to think about everything that led to us using and drinking and understand why it’s the wrong way to handle things. Then, and only then, are we ready to learn a new way of thinking. This is why I don’t like 30, 60 or 90 day programs. Our minds are still thinking about using or are still in the process of clearing our minds when we are released and we haven’t heard the entire message we were getting in rehab. The longer the program, after detox, the better.
Today I am 8 1/2 years clean and sober. I did go back on Suboxone at one point because I was in a place I didn’t trust myself and i had worked too hard to rebuild my life to slip up. This time I’m not doing the on again and off again like I did in the past. I’m staying on it while I process anything and everything in therapy every other week. I’ve already tapered down twice so far. Right now I’m going to stay where I’m at but I do plan another taper within the next year. Obviously, I don’t recommend prison to anyone. Everyone always asks me how I got through it and other situations. My counsellor while in rehab explained it’s because I am able to just adapt to my surroundings which explains how I got through prison. I’m back to the woman I was before I met my ex husband. I take care of my 81 year old mother who has dementia that also affects her speech. I’m her only caretaker 24/7. She only says 3 words. Yup, nope and her all time favourite, that she will say over and over as many times as she can in one breath, “sonabitch.” If I can get through every day without using or drinking, then anyone can do it. It all comes down to how bad you want it. If you want it bad enough you will find the strength. I promise!
The other thing I also wanted to say is when prescribed the correct dose of Suboxone, the dose takes away the cravings and urges. That is very helpful while you work with a therapist on how to process your thoughts, feelings and emotions.
As for meetings, I have a very hard time relating in speaker meetings. As I’m not your average addict/alcoholic my story spans just 5 years. It’s not a lifelong problem. Nor can I relate to why the speaker even started using or drinking. Finding a sponsor wouldn’t work for me as I have very serious trust issues. As for the steps, on my own, I’ve done all of them over the last 8 1/2 years except one. I just can’t do step 3. I’m a control freak. I know I can’t control everything. I believe only God can do that. However, I still try to control everything anyhow. I’m a work in progress on this and I may always be a work in progress. Lol.
As for my daily routine, I’m struggling with my dementia right now so if I don’t force myself to get up and do things, besides taking care of my mom, nothing gets done. So at the moment my day centres around taking care of my mom which does result in the Serenity Prayer being said many times a day.
END -Juli Brandt
Thank you Juli for your honesty. Writing a letter to yourself, or someone you have hurt and it's weighing on you is a great way to get those feelings out of your body and mind and onto paper is extremely cathartic. These letters are called No Send Letters, if you choose to, you can not send the letter to the person and just rip it up and take pleasure, be in the moment when you rip the letter up, feel yourself ripping up those feelings that have been weighing on your mind and once you dispose of the letter, let it go.... That's the most helpful thing I have learnt in recovery and that is to let it go. Acceptance is one of the most difficult things I have had to learn to do but if I constantly hold on to resentments all I am doing is poisoning my body and mind, feeling anxious about it all the time but the person who you have a resentment with, he/she is getting on with their life, you're not hurting them by holding on to these feelings, the only person your hurting is you. So as Juli put it, say the serenity prayer, but actually, listen to the words, listen to what you're saying in that pray, those words are powerful and I think many addicts say the prayer but are not listening to what they are being told in the serenity prayer. We need to live that prayer to stay sober, whatever decision we have to make that day, that moment, think of the prayer and live by its words and make the right decision for you and your recovery.
My Story by Bonnie Comans
My story is a little bit different from most. I do meetings but most of the time it makes me crave so meetings don’t help me much.
I am clean now for a little over 2 years but I am still emotionally numb. I never used to numb pain from years of childhood trauma. I was born addicted to heroin. I Started shooting up at 15 and I've been to rehab several times. The only reason I’m clean is because of my daughter. I can’t be her mom if I’m dead. As long as that drug exist I’ll never really be free of it. I still smoke weed from time to time. I have days where I’d rather not wake up. I’m not suicidal by no means. I don’t wanna spend my afterlife in hell. I believe in God and I know if it wasn’t for his love I wouldn’t be able to fight the same demons that comfort me at night.
1 year ago
